i am sick.

i have this kind of particular disease, that when it comes to love somebody, i will give him my all.
let's say heart, mind, attention and affection. i'll give 100% of it.
why do i call this as a disease? 
because for me, it's the root of ache, the heartache.

bear with my explanation..


when we fall in love with someone (and able to give 100% of it), we tend to hope that our partner will do the same in return. and boom, that's where all the disappointments come off.
pamrih? tidak juga. 
begini kira-kira point saya, semisal saya sedang sibuk setengah mati, namun tetiba ada rindu terselip di situ, biasanya akan sebisa mungkin saya curi waktu untuk bertemu si pasangan, tidak begitu perdulikan rasa lelah atau sedikitnya waktu yang ada. mungkin nantinya akan hanya ada 1-2 jam tertuang untuk bertemu, tapi ketika saya mampu bertatap dan berkata-kata dengannya, ah sungguh semua rasa lelah dan semua waktu yang terbuang tidak lagi berarti. 

seriously, what's more relieving dari rindu yang terbayarkan?

lalu, ketika si pasangan dengan segala kesibukannya mengungkap tidak ada waktu untuk bertemu, atau tidak sempat menyisihkan waktu untuk berbincang di telpon, dan ini berlangsung hampir setiap saat, apa salah jika saya merasa sedih dan sedikit kecewa?

or another example is.. we tend to tolerate and compromise our partner's mistakes, those rude words, disrespectful actions, or other things that really hurt our prides and hearts. we're getting used to forget and forgive, just  because we are too afraid of losing him/her. why do we become too afraid? it's because we already gave them our 100% love. so when they leave, all is left for us is none.

then, this thought crossed my mind, that maybe, maybe if i didn't love someone on 100% scale, i wouldn't give all efforts that i have, so i wouldn't expect much, and in the end i wouldn't get hurt if he didn't give his best efforts too.

got the point?


atau bagi kamu itu biasa saja?

or you think i'm overreacting?

that's why i said in a very first place that this is my disease.
it happens to me all the time, and this disease just grow deeper and give such unbearable pain.
just like the wise man said, too much love kill you and too much hope disappoint you.
i've been having this disease for years. 
it's not about who's the man, because the disease is always there, everytime i fall in love.

recently, i've been thinking a lot, mostly to find the cure to this particular disease of mine.

then i tried to analyze, by breaking down the problems. 
what's the cause of it? 
what's the trigger? 
what's the risk factor? 
and finally i found the answer..

it's not about how much i love the person but how much i love myself.
see, i've said this disease is always there everytime i fall in love, so it's not about my partner(s) or whom i love more compared one to another.
the problem is all on me.
and i admit that i didn't love myself in a right way. 
i didn't love myself that much. 
and it's obviously create the insecurity inside of me.

i might seem as a confident one, a lady who walks with head up - chin up, 
but deep down, i'm having this insecurity issues. 
i always think that i'm not good enough, physically to mentally, in all aspects.
i always assumes that i have nothing to be proud of. 
i have no spesific talents nor merits. 
i am full of flaws, i am a complete mess. 
yeah, it's not my partner who didn't love me that much, it's just me who didn't love myself in a right way. 

after spent so much time for mind-battle, 
i came to a conclution that when we capable to love ourselves, then we will be able to accept the fact that we're just human beings, and human do mistakes. 
kadang kita lupa bahwa Tuhan tidak mungkin memberikan kita kekurangan tanpa melebihkannya di hal yang lain. 
and when we fail to acknowledge it, we're gonna be trapped into a state of mind telling us that we're not good enough. that's what make us, (me-in this case) , membiarkan diri kita melakukan semua hal sebaik-baiknya untuk si pasangan, bahkan beberapa hal yang terlihat sedikit berlebihan dan memaksakan. itu yang membuat kita selalu berharap pasangan berbuat lebih atau setidaknya sama dengan yang kita perbuat untuknya. itu yang membuat kita terus mampu menolerir kesalahan atau rasa sakit yang pasangan kita buat, befikir kita mungkin memang sepantasnya diperlakukan seperti itu. 
karena pada dasarnya, kita tidak cukup merasa percaya diri untuk dicintai. kita merasa kurang dengan apa adanya diri kita, dan berharap dengan memberikan cinta sebesar itu dan menolerir kesalahan sekuat itu, maka kita akan sedikit lebih pantas untuk dicintai dengan benar oleh si pasangan. 

geez, how pathetic i am.. i pity myself! 
so, along with this trashy write, i just wanna promise myself that i will love myself better. 
i will acknowledge more about my passion and what i'm good at, and not wasting it. 
i will make the best version of myself. 
i will be proud of myself and will love myself more. 
so i won't need other's permissions to be happy, to feel satisfied about myself. 

i promise i will learn to love myself first before i love somebody else. 
this is not a selfish action, this is a way to add value. 
the more value i have, the more i will feel at ease to give. 
therefore, i hope that i will have a balanced and healthy relationship. 

i'm done being pathetically sick.
i'm getting a medication now. 
get well soon, tiqa!